The Love and the Lost

WoW! I have felt loved by my friends and family before, but this was overwhelming. My birthday was the exact definition of bittersweet (pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret). I had a wonderful khorovats with my students and director as my going-away/ birthday celebration! I would say it was so much better than simply pleasant and there wasnt suffering in the sense of what most people think of suffering, but there was definite heart break.

My last day:
I frantically cleaned my apartment and tried to finish that so that I could enjoy the afternoon. The 11th I was leaving my village around 930 am so I needed to finish everything up before I went out to say my goodbyes and have the party. I hadnt really planned details of the khorovats, just the idea of what we would do.

For those who dont know--- khorovats is the Armenian word for barbeque. It is usually chicken or pork meat but my director was insistent on fish. Usually I dont eat fish, especially in a land-locked country, but they assured me it was going to be delicious, so I went with it.

Back to the story- The day before (the 9th) my director told me about a church opening that was happening in my village. This is a typical experience of PC Armenia, you find things out last minute about projects that you didnt even know were going to happen. It worked out perfectly within my schedule. I walked around before the opening to say goodbye to people, met up with my students, and then went to the church. A lot of people were out to watch the church be blessed. The head hancho from Echmiadzin came to do the blessing of the church. It was a beautiful ceremony although it was incredibly hot! Oh my!

From there, my director and I ran around the village buying the materials for the khorovats- vegetables, bread, fish and dishware. It was a fun experience. Doing that also allowed me to say goodbye to other people I hadnt been able to say goodbye to. Buying the fish was a fun experience because I have always seen those guys but never really talked to them before. They were hilarious and kept trying to hide my eyes from when they would kill the fish... Mind you too, the fish is sold at the gas station/car wash. Great combination!

Once we were materialistically prepared for the khorovats, it was on to setting the table, preparing the food (which took quite some time ~4 hours), dancing, and all around good times. My director, his son and a fellow PCV went to start the fire to cook the fish on while my students and I danced around.

My girls gave me a surprise and all pitched in to buy a cake. On the cake it said "Rani, we love you." and I about cried when I saw it. (Actually tearing up now thinking about it.) The night went on similar to that, laughing and getting sad and then laughing again. My director gave some of the nicest toasts I have heard and made me feel indescribable. My students were amazing, as usual. They slowly trickled out because it was getting late. The last was my director, my PCV friend, and two of my students. It was a beautiful night!

That was my goodbye portion of the day. The other portion of the day was all the love from all over the world. I received so many sweet messages through facebook, email, and phone calls. It made me feel so loved beyond words. I have been so fortunate to be able to have this experience and then to have all of the support on top of that is really breathtaking. There isnt much more to say then (than?- my English is awesome right now.) THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

The next morning was really hard. I finished packing up my apartment, doing dishes and other random cleaning/rearranging. I ordered a taxi to take ALL of my stuff and myself in to Yerevan for the last time as a Peace Corps volunteer. A few of my students came over and helped me with all of my stuff and then to see me off.

I didnt cry and I dont know if I will be able to. I definitely have gotten teary eyed but have not been able to cry. It is a dream that I am still in. It feels like I blinked and the whole thing has passed through. There have been incredible highs and lows and there were some things I would have done differently and definitely things I wouldnt change for the world but it doesnt feel real.

Thursday, the 11th, was another fabulous/frantic day. Once I left my village I was nodding off in the taxi and I had like a flash visual of being in India. It made me panic a bit because I am going on this trip of a lifetime and it, too, doesnt feel real yet. I am closing one chapter so quickly to open another without really breathing time between the two. I am super, super excited, dont mistake that, its just a LOT to take in right now.

Thursday, though, was a bit of a hurricane. I was in the office signing my life away, AGAIN! There is about as much, if not more, paperwork to get OUT of Peace Corps than there is to get IN! I had to get signatures from multiple people, drop this paper off there while this paper had to go here... But I finished it, got the certificate, and was an official (on paper anyway) Returned Peace Corps Volunteer! (It isnt official until Friday, the 12th, at midnight.) After that, I helped organize a staff get together/ send off or as a staff member called it, a swearing-out. :) Then we had a going away/birthday dinner at a Georgian restaurant that I also helped organize. They were wonderfully accommodating and had really good wine! I know- me and wine, who am I? After that it was a night on the town, at my new favorite place- Eden! Fun times were had by all and it was so nice to see everyone get together.

I have realized how much I like organizing events. I think my favorite part is to take a step back and just see everyone interacting and laughing. It was another heart warming experience!

So as you can see, Wednesday and Thursday were super, super busy and it was like I was on for a week. Then Friday came. I was like a sad, pathetic lost puppy. It was the first time I didnt have a to-do list for Yerevan, I didnt have anything to plan, I didnt have any work on the back of my mind. Most people would find this feeling relaxing or take it in but I am not most people. I was walking around Yerevan a little lost. This place that I have called home for two years will no longer be my home. This work that I have been doing is no longer my own. My to-do lists were all checked off and I am a little freaked out.

Although- there is a place that I can call home in Yerevan. The Envoy Hostel has become my home and the staff have become wonderful friends that I can add to the list of "To Be Missed." This list just continues to grow and while it is good because it means I have made friends and connections, my heart hurts a little every time I say goodbye.

Well that is it for now. Mom, I hope you are happy with the detail of my last few days. Hehe! I took about 200 pictures and will be posting soon (hopefully) on facebook. One thing I can add to my nonexistent to-do list!

Again- thank you all for the birthday wishes! Bittersweet! Much love to all!